In my last post a mentioned how I was having a tough time with my moms passing. So right after my mom passed, like the next month later I ended up getting a job a this high end retailer. Because naturally my first thought was “working fixes everything”. Well working short of helped me cope with my emotions. I thought that if I worked I would go back to my bubbly self. Little did I know that going back to being myself took time that I didn’t think I needed. While working I had a lot of time to stand and think because it wasn’t all that busy and I honestly think that was the worse position I could have been in. As I stood there I had so much time to be alone with my own thoughts. I started having these major anxiety attacks, and I quit the very next day. Before getting this job I had booked a trip for myself to Paris. I felt like I needed this. It was my version of a mental cleanse. My version of getting rid of the pain and the void that comes with losing someone close to you. You know whats funny? While I was working all I could think about was “how can life go on when my mother just passed?” The reality of life is it never stops. We always have to keep going and thats what hit me super hard. The person I adored, devoted my time to and would give my life for is gone and there is no greater pain than that. And because of that pain I decided to go back to the place where I was once at my happiest. When I booked my flight I expected to be there by myself for 4 days and then my cousin would come and going my on my birthday (January 17th). As it turns out I have the best boyfriend ever so he came the day after I arrived on January 15th. Now, lets fast forward to 12 am January 17th, my birthday. My boyfriend and I went to this bar near by where our Airbnb was and he bought me a drink. At that moment I realized, one I am the luckiest woman in the world to have her man sitting right next to her on her birthday in another country, two, that if I were there by myself I would have probably doing nothing and possibly cried and be sad the whole time; and three that although my mom was gone and I had this feeling of emptiness and grief that I was going to be okay. That hurt of losing a parent never goes away in fact we just replace it with new memories and more experiences.
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